I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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