so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
