I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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