also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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