I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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