batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
