The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
