help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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