You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
