I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize