My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
