I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
