You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..