Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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