can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
