had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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