This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
