Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
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It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
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He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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