A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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