I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
