he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
