Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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