we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
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The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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