WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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