so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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