I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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