You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
