You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
