i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
