so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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