Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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