I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You can't special order awesome
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
