I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
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