i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
