You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So squirting runs in the family.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
