Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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