ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
