my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
