I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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