She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.