Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?