i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
