fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
