Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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