im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
