How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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