i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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