So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
