need another drink. this is the easiest way
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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