Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
