just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
