I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
