I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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