I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
