For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
