hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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